The Audacity of Some People…

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I have never understood how some people can walk into a situation where they are perceived as arrogant, realise that they are making other uncomfortable, then continue on doing it.

Yesterday when I went to grab a coffee, some guy sitting outside of the coffee shop said, “Hey sweetheart, do you have a lighter?” First of all, don’t call me sweetheart, you creep. I quickly told him no and went inside. I was hoping that by the time I had my coffee and went back outside he would have been gone. Nope, that was not the case. I was subjected to crude comments and cat calls as I walked away.

Is it really that hard to keep your mouth shut and leave someone alone?

It’s a Miss.

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I’ve been missing out a lot on life lately, so I’ve decided that I won’t be around for much longer. I don’t have anything in common with anyone in my life so I don’t really get to enjoy much. I mean, I could go to concerts or other events alone, but I just feel so embarrassed being there by myself.

I already missed a concert I’ve been waiting pretty much all summer to see because the thought of showing up alone was shameful. I’m going to miss out on one of my favourite band’s 10 year anniversary this weekend because no one I know listens to the same music that I do. I haven’t been to a concert that I actually wanted to go to in such a long time. I’ve bought tickets to some that I didn’t even show up to.

It’s all just a waste. My whole life was a waste.

Things I need:

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I need people to stop telling me to go to school and that I’m wasting my life away. I know that I’m a waste of space and that I have nothing going for me. I know that I will never amount to anything. I rarely leave my bedroom aside from going to work or to the occasional outing with my one friend. I don’t even know why I have a job. The position I hold can easily go to someone who actually needs it. What do I spend money on? I buy clothes that sit in my closet and gather dust because I never wear them. Why would I need to, I don’t go anywhere. I have a phone that I don’t talk to anyone on. I check my social media, but I don’t even have many followers on them. No one gives a fuck.

I need to stop feeling so lonely. There’s nothing worse that waking up in the morning and dreading having to leave my house. Even worse than that is knowing that I have to have small talk with people at work. Holding back telling people that you want to die every time they ask how you are is actually really hard. Things are so bad that I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore. I can’t hold even the simplest conversation.

I need a different health problem. Anything would be better than the one I have.

Fragile

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People look at you differently when they realize that you’re broken. The questions never stop, nor does the pity. I am usually good at hiding how I feel and only breaking down at home, but I completely broke down at work today. I had to leave the floor to hide and cry.

I am so ashamed now that it’s actually out in the open. It’s going to affect more people around me.

Squamish Valley Music Festival – Bands

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I had a page from a newspaper with the schedule on it, but I’m going to type out my own schedule here with all of the bands I actually want to see in order just so I have it all planned out.

FRIDAY
2:30 – 3PM, Nico & Vinz (Stawamus Stage)
3:25 – 4:05PM, The Zolas (Tantalus Stage)
4:25 – 5:10PM, MAYER HAWTHORNE (Tantalus Stage)
8 – 9PM, Nas (Tantalus Stage)
8:30 – 10PM, Foster The People (Stawamus Stage)
9:30-11PM, Bruno Mars (Tantalus Stage)

Maybe: Walk Off The Earth, Lykke Li, Boyz Noize

SATURDAY
3:25-4:05PM, Hollerado (Tantalus Stage)
4:05-4:30PM, Aidan Knight (Meadow Stage)
5:30-6:20PM, Tokyo Police Club (Tantalus Stage)
6:40-7:40PM, Sam Roberts Band (Tantalus Stage)
7:30-9PM, Ryan Hemsworth (Blueprint Arena)
8-8:30PM, WE ARE THE CITY (Meadow Stage)
8:30-10PM, The Roots (Stawamus Stage)

Maybe: The Oceanographers, Chvrches, Arcade Fire

SUNDAY
8-9:10PM, Arctic Monkeys (Tantalus Stage)
9:40-11PM, Eminem (Tantalus Stage)

Maybe: Shad, Cyril Hahn, Good For Grapes, Atmosphere

How Do I Do This?

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I’m actually ready to die. I have nothing to live for. Nothing at all. I am not passionate about anything. There is nothing I am looking forward to. I am just a waste of space. I literally sit in my room with my blacked out windows all day long except when I’m at work. I don’t even know why I have a job. Someone else who actually needs it because they’re investing in their future should have it. I am literally just waiting for another freak accident to actually be fatal. All because I’m too afraid to take my own life. What am I so afraid of? Failing? It’s happened so many times already, it’s bound to happen again. I’ve actually never even pictured myself reaching the age of 30. I still don’t. No one has ever loved me, and no one will ever miss me. People die all the time. Life goes on.

D

FML

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I was really upset the other day and I deleted the place wear I stored all of my writing. WHY THE HECK DID I DO THAT?! I don’t ever regret much, but I regret this. I have to start from scratch now.

I guess people are right when they say that you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re upset.

Good job, self.

D.