I have run out of every thing that makes a person whole. I am out of love, out of passion, out of patience. I have no idea where to go from here. I have been trying so hard to make friends, to open myself up to people. I just wish I had a friend. Even just one. Sitting in my room day in and day out is extremely lonely and depressing. Whenever I try to enter a social circle, I am told that I am wasting my time. I should not even try. Everyone gets sick of me quick. I miss the life I used to live. The life that hurt me, but at least I had temporary highs more than the constant lows I am going through now. I can’t even remember the last time I actually enjoyed my time and didn’t feel like it was being wasted. Actually, I do; June 14, 2013. It was the last day that I could remember my heart filling up with love and joy. It is just so amazing how something like a band can make you feel a little less alone and a little more alive. I was alone that day and I sat at the back of the concert hall. But I was still so happy.
It is somewhat devastating to realize that I have not actually felt that way in over a year. I do not think that I have connected with anything in such a long time to even feel anything effective. Nothing really has made me feel properly. I just feel sadness and emptiness. I need something to make me feel like I can go outside and actually enjoy my day. I need someone who will not shrug me off and actually remember that I exist. I need to find a way to be whole again.