Things I need:

I need people to stop telling me to go to school and that I’m wasting my life away. I know that I’m a waste of space and that I have nothing going for me. I know that I will never amount to anything. I rarely leave my bedroom aside from going to work or to the occasional outing with my one friend. I don’t even know why I have a job. The position I hold can easily go to someone who actually needs it. What do I spend money on? I buy clothes that sit in my closet and gather dust because I never wear them. Why would I need to, I don’t go anywhere. I have a phone that I don’t talk to anyone on. I check my social media, but I don’t even have many followers on them. No one gives a fuck.

I need to stop feeling so lonely. There’s nothing worse that waking up in the morning and dreading having to leave my house. Even worse than that is knowing that I have to have small talk with people at work. Holding back telling people that you want to die every time they ask how you are is actually really hard. Things are so bad that I don’t even know how to talk to people anymore. I can’t hold even the simplest conversation.

I need a different health problem. Anything would be better than the one I have.

Fragile

People look at you differently when they realize that you’re broken. The questions never stop, nor does the pity. I am usually good at hiding how I feel and only breaking down at home, but I completely broke down at work today. I had to leave the floor to hide and cry.

I am so ashamed now that it’s actually out in the open. It’s going to affect more people around me.

Squamish Valley Music Festival – Bands

I had a page from a newspaper with the schedule on it, but I’m going to type out my own schedule here with all of the bands I actually want to see in order just so I have it all planned out.

FRIDAY
2:30 – 3PM, Nico & Vinz (Stawamus Stage)
3:25 – 4:05PM, The Zolas (Tantalus Stage)
4:25 – 5:10PM, MAYER HAWTHORNE (Tantalus Stage)
8 – 9PM, Nas (Tantalus Stage)
8:30 – 10PM, Foster The People (Stawamus Stage)
9:30-11PM, Bruno Mars (Tantalus Stage)

Maybe: Walk Off The Earth, Lykke Li, Boyz Noize

SATURDAY
3:25-4:05PM, Hollerado (Tantalus Stage)
4:05-4:30PM, Aidan Knight (Meadow Stage)
5:30-6:20PM, Tokyo Police Club (Tantalus Stage)
6:40-7:40PM, Sam Roberts Band (Tantalus Stage)
7:30-9PM, Ryan Hemsworth (Blueprint Arena)
8-8:30PM, WE ARE THE CITY (Meadow Stage)
8:30-10PM, The Roots (Stawamus Stage)

Maybe: The Oceanographers, Chvrches, Arcade Fire

SUNDAY
8-9:10PM, Arctic Monkeys (Tantalus Stage)
9:40-11PM, Eminem (Tantalus Stage)

Maybe: Shad, Cyril Hahn, Good For Grapes, Atmosphere

How Do I Do This?

I’m actually ready to die. I have nothing to live for. Nothing at all. I am not passionate about anything. There is nothing I am looking forward to. I am just a waste of space. I literally sit in my room with my blacked out windows all day long except when I’m at work. I don’t even know why I have a job. Someone else who actually needs it because they’re investing in their future should have it. I am literally just waiting for another freak accident to actually be fatal. All because I’m too afraid to take my own life. What am I so afraid of? Failing? It’s happened so many times already, it’s bound to happen again. I’ve actually never even pictured myself reaching the age of 30. I still don’t. No one has ever loved me, and no one will ever miss me. People die all the time. Life goes on.

D

FML

I was really upset the other day and I deleted the place wear I stored all of my writing. WHY THE HECK DID I DO THAT?! I don’t ever regret much, but I regret this. I have to start from scratch now.

I guess people are right when they say that you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re upset.

Good job, self.

D.

Try Hard

I am trying so hard. With everything. It never gets me anywhere. I really do not know how I can keep doing this. There really is no point. I have made myself invisible. I left school early and although I have finished, I still haven’t graduated. I cut all the ties with the people I once loved, people who were my best friends are strangers to me now. All I do is sit at home. I leave my house just to go to work or to shop. I do not even know why I shop so much. Money only buys temporary happiness.

I am alone. It is always going to be that way. I never know why I try to change that. I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to be alone with my thoughts that consume all of the happiness I can muster up. My life is a mess, there is no fixing it now.

D.