But now I spend most of it awake in a state of confusion. I’m letting my life slip by and I have no idea how to grasp back on to it.
Five years ago I had started to let go of any ambition I had. I slowly stopped getting excited for the future and began to fear it. I’m still at that point where I clam up at the thought of answering questions about where I want to go in life. Five years ago, if you had asked me where I wanted to be in five years I would have given you a detailed answer. If you had asked me that four years ago, I would have stared at you as if you had spoken to me in Klingon.
I still don’t know where to take myself. I am no longer passionate about anything. I thought I’d be long gone by now.
I see someone who is broken. So broken and alone.
I don’t really ever feel happy. It may seem like it to some people, but that’s only because I smile at times. Others think that I can take the jabs they throw at me, but they have no idea that when I get home and I’m alone with my own thoughts, those things eat away at me.
The light in my eyes is gone.
Throughout my life I have been bullied over the way I look and how I act. I’ve gotten used to people treating me horribly and I just expect it. I guess it doesn’t seem like it affects me, because most people end up at the very end of my line of patience. I never show it though. I either laugh it off or hide in the shadows. When I tell people about my being bullied, they ask how I dealt with it. The truth is that I stopped trying to interact with people and became really socially awkward from it. I don’t really let people into my life, and even worse, I won’t let them back after they’ve left.
I’m scared of being treated the way I was when I was always around people. I would rather stay in my room and not have to talk to anyone. To me, being alone is better than being mistreated.
I do need a hug though. Hugs are nice.
I’m not sure if it’s who I am, where I am, or if I’m just simply out of ideas; I can’t seem to write anything worth reading. Ever since I was little I was always good at putting words on paper and enticing the people who read them. Lately I haven’t even been able to speak English properly. All of my words are jumbled up, or what I say just doesn’t make any sense.
I want to go somewhere and live there for a few months and try to get inspired. It doesn’t even have to be somewhere new or far, just somewhere that could open my brain to new ideas. I guess you could say that I need to start on a blank page of my life.
There were a ton of events in Vancouver this weekend, and I only went to one of them despite wanting to go to most of them.
The 1975 were in town on Sunday, and just my luck, their lead singer and drummer came into the store I work at while I was working. I got a photo with them and they put me on the guest list for their show! I had an amazing time.
NHL season that is! I’ve never been so excited for a season to get on its way. But tonight, the Oilers are opening up the season against the Jets and things are looking up for them. They have a new coach, which means learning a new system, but things are getting much better. They have more of a winning attitude, they know what it takes. All they have to do is believe it with everything they have. Even with new captain Andrew Ference leading the way, the start of the season is going to be a tough one. Especially with centres Sam Gagner and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins out with injuries.
There’s a lot to be excited for this season, and not just with the Oilers. The Ducks are going to have a throwback jersey night. This is probably they most exciting thing about this season. I loved those jerseys when I was growing up.
Now, I shall go back to watching soccer/futbol/football.