I’m actually ready to die. I have nothing to live for. Nothing at all. I am not passionate about anything. There is nothing I am looking forward to. I am just a waste of space. I literally sit in my room with my blacked out windows all day long except when I’m at work. I don’t even know why I have a job. Someone else who actually needs it because they’re investing in their future should have it. I am literally just waiting for another freak accident to actually be fatal. All because I’m too afraid to take my own life. What am I so afraid of? Failing? It’s happened so many times already, it’s bound to happen again. I’ve actually never even pictured myself reaching the age of 30. I still don’t. No one has ever loved me, and no one will ever miss me. People die all the time. Life goes on.
I was really upset the other day and I deleted the place wear I stored all of my writing. WHY THE HECK DID I DO THAT?! I don’t ever regret much, but I regret this. I have to start from scratch now.
I guess people are right when they say that you shouldn’t make decisions when you’re upset.
Good job, self.
It’s just a matter of time before I find a way to succeed. Things have been getting worse and worse.
I am trying so hard. With everything. It never gets me anywhere. I really do not know how I can keep doing this. There really is no point. I have made myself invisible. I left school early and although I have finished, I still haven’t graduated. I cut all the ties with the people I once loved, people who were my best friends are strangers to me now. All I do is sit at home. I leave my house just to go to work or to shop. I do not even know why I shop so much. Money only buys temporary happiness.
I am alone. It is always going to be that way. I never know why I try to change that. I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to be alone with my thoughts that consume all of the happiness I can muster up. My life is a mess, there is no fixing it now.
It’s been a week. A week of thinking back about what went wrong. I need to clear my head. I just really need to be more positive. I have no passion for anything anymore. I’m trying so hard to love the things I once did, but all I’ve done is fail in loving anything. I’ve failed in every aspect of my life. I have a dead end job. I haven’t graduated high school. I haven’t started post-secondary school… I just can’t find it in myself to want to carry on in anything. I just want it to be over.
One day I’m going to find a way to love myself. It’s going to be the day that someone finally loves me. It’s going to feel amazing.
I’m so sick of the way I feel all the time. It’s so exhausting trying to hide the fact that I’m in so much pain. I come off as cold or emotionless when I don’t mean to, and I’m genuinely apologetic to everyone who has to deal with me. I know that people put up with me because they don’t want to feel guilty if I were to end it all. The people who used to be in my life are so happy that I’ve distanced myself so far from them because the pressure is off.
I just hope that if I lose control, the people who have stuck around thus far don’t blame themselves.