I’ve mentioned before that I’m a borderline hoarder. For the past few months, I’ve been putting off cleaning my room. I know, I know, “Dora, how can you live in such a mess?!” Well for starters, There’s a clear path from my door to my bed and my closet. That’s all I really need from here. But today out of the blue, I had a surge of energy run through me and decided to reorganize my room. I’ve started phase one and am currently typing on my laptop that is sitting on my desk! It’s a big accomplishment if you saw my room before… You would have never even known that I had a desk in here.
The three main things that take up space in my bedroom are writing materials (notebooks, pens, pencils, etc.), beauty supplies, and reading materials. I seem to have everything organized, but just kept on the floor. I have novels in one area, comic books in another, and magazines stacked under my desk. My shelf is only half full of things, from figurines and vinyl figures to DVD’s and CD’s. There is a lot of Hello Kitty inhabiting this area.
I also have a white board to mark important dates and reminders… The last time I wrote on it was to remind myself that last year’s Warped Tour was on August 4.
My room needs a huge upgrade… Is it just me, or is anyone else stuck in the bedroom of their 15 year old self? Yeah, it’s just me.
I’m 21 years old, and definitely not ashamed that I absolutely love One Direction.
Lately I’ve been going through my days in a very perfunctory manner. I don’t have much to do, and have trouble finding things that I would be able to do on my own that don’t feel repetitive and boring. I don’t have many friends. I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that every time I text someone I thought of as a friend, I get a response asking who I am because they’ve deleted my phone number from their contacts. I never remained friends with people I went to high school with. They were too cool for me then, and still are. High school was the worst time of my life, and to be honest, it probably was my peak.
I never have much to look forward to these days. I don’t have any hobbies or a job. I’m trying to find one, but it’s tough. I’m pretty much only qualified for retail. What I’m trying to say is, I suck.
For the past couple of weeks I was doing really well on the whole sleeping thing. But of course the night before an important day, I just can’t seem to slumber. I have no idea what’s going on with me. I’ve been up all night listening to Our Last Night, The Wanted, and Austin Mahone; playing Minecraft, The Simpsons Tapped Out, and Spider Solitaire; and reading the Discovery tab on Twitter. I’ve yawned maybe twice all night, and have yet to even feel sleepy. Which is so weird, because usually when I stay up all night I’m just procrastinating on my sleep and those things tend to wear me down and help me fall asleep.
My alarm clock is supposed to go off in an hour. I won’t be surprised if exhaustion hits me right before then. This whole ordeal just makes me even more nervous for my day than I already was.
Carpe diem, I guess!
I’ve always had the hardest time letting go of my possessions. I’m not a hoarder in any sense, but I’m more than likely going to become one.
When organizing my things, I tend to keep everything that I didn’t realize I have. Even the most useless, broken, irrelevant, stupid things. Most of the things don’t even mean anything to me. I just can’t help but think about what would happen if I were to need something that I once thought was useless.
I tend to get anxiety when I’m away from my things for too long.
One time when I was drunk, my purse got stolen and I had a meltdown. I threatened to eff everyone’s ish up who was near enough to me. I bawled my eyes out. I only may have reacted that way because I was severely intoxicated, but I do freak out at even the thought of losing my purse.
Recently I had two dreams on separate nights that were both similar. In the first one I had lost my purse and throughout the dream I frantically scrambled to find it. I never did, and that morning I woke up having a panicc attack. The second dream happened a few nights later and I had lost the purse that I had replaced the first one with. (It was basically a week of nightmares and having trouble sleeping for me.) That dream ended with what seemed to be me being close to finding it, but going through a lost and found full of purses. I woke up before any resolution took place which left me feeling really empty.
I feel like I’m crazy.
I can’t help but be in love with this band when I can relate to their music better than most other bands’ music.
I’ve never had much confidence. While growing up I was always told that I would never amount to anything, and I was always discouraged from doing things I loved; constantly told that it wasn’t worth it because I only liked things that didn’t matter. My siblings were always put before me, and no one really knew I existed.
The most recent strike to my heart? My mom made a bet with my dad that if I didn’t get the job I recently was interviewed for, he would have to pay her $200. My dad now owes my mom $200.
No one realizes how much it hurts. Always being talked down upon. My parents always brag to others about how my siblings are so great, and when they talk about me they make fun of all my flaws and laugh at what a shitty person I am. Everyone always says that family should be who you turn to when you’re having a hard time, but mine will just laugh at me like I’m a huge joke. They don’t even know how depressed I am, or how talking to people makes me nervous because I believe that no one will ever accept me, or the fact that I don’t bring my friends around is because I know that they’ll say something to embarrass me and tell my friend that they shouldn’t be friends with me. They don’t know that I don’t make friends because I am too ashamed of myself. I keep to myself a lot, because I never know what to say.
I’ve never been confident in myself before. I’ve had moments where I was proud of myself, but they ended real quick after I was told it didn’t matter or I still wasn’t good enough. It takes a lot for me to step up and put myself out there. A lot.
I just want to find a way to be confident.