Personal

Institutionalized

I have hit rock bottom. I know that I’m not right in the head, but I didn’t know it was this bad. I am currently on suicide watch. Even though I feel fine, they believe I will be easily triggered if I leave. I think they are wrong. Most of the time I am stronger than I seem.

I have some privileges. I am allowed to go for supervised walks out of my sleeping quarters. They finally let me close my curtain all the way. And of course, I have my phone. 

My neighbour keeps peeking over into my ‘room’ and it’s creeping me out. I don’t feel safe here, and they expect me to be able to fall asleep. I managed to get about an hour of sleep last night. I am so exhausted.

Do hospitals accept bail?

D.

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Personal

Some Sort of Punishment

I am an idiot. I have put myself in the worst possible situation. I’m trying so hard to dig myself out of this really deep hole, but nothing I’ve done has made it better. As time ticks on, I feel as if my days are numbered. I can’t handle this level of stress. It’s entirely my fault.

I’m not sure if I’m being punished for being such a shitty person, but it does feel like it. I really should have tried harder to off myself. I can’t believe I failed twice. Third time’s a charm, right?

D.

Personal

Where Am I?

Lately people have been telling me that I really have my shit together. I really don’t feel like I do. I feel like I’m going absolutely mental. I don’t feel in control at all. I wish that I could calm myself down, but nothing I’ve tried has worked.

I can’t seem to figure out which way is up. But I need to get away from the toxic people in my life.There are way too many lurking around right now. I honestly have always blamed myself for not being able to deal with people. But I have realized that I have just always been around a lot of people who try to bring me down.

Things need to change.

D.

Personal

Looking Forward

I’ve had a lot going on in my life lately. There have been some rough patches, some smooth patches, some more rough patches… But I’ve been keeping my head up. Of course there are those times when I can’t help but dwell and feel absolutely crushed, but I’ve been able to move on.

I’m trying to be a more positive person. I don’t have a very big support group because I am afraid to let people in. I’m just hanging on to what I have.I need to remind myself to keep looking forward rather than at the past. If I let the negative things dictate the way I act, thing will continue on that dark path.

D.

Personal

Storytelling

I’ve always wanted to be a storyteller. When I was younger I loved to write short stories with the most outrageous characters. Humour was my forte. But these days I don’t even have an imagination. Where did it all go? Did I lose it all or is my brain just blocking it from flowing? 

I have no idea what to do to get inspired. But I still dream of being a storyteller.

D.

Personal

An All Time Low

I am leaving a place that I have experienced for the first time and I wouldn’t say that I hate it, but it’s not a place I would call a getaway. I am sitting in the airport. I am at a standstill with my feelings. I am excited to go back to my hometown, but I am dreading going back to the house I live in.

D.

Personal, Uncategorized

Improving Myself

There are a few things that I need to do to better myself this year. I know, I know, resolutions are planned but never really accomplished. So this is just a simple to do list. I’m turning 24 in a week and it’s time for me to grow up.

  1. I need to get better at handling my finances. I need to stop indulging in luxuries and be my frugal. This is going to be the biggest thing, because I am awful with my money.
  2. I need to make healthier choices. I don’t mean that I need to hit the gym (even though I do), because I won’t do that. I just need to watch what and how much I eat. It’s pretty easy for me to watch what I eat because I’m not a picky eater. The tough part is how much I eat >.<
  3. I need to fall in love with a hobby again. I need to find something to do with my spare time rather than sit at home and watch YouTube videos.

I need to keep reminding myself to work on being better. It won’t happen unless I actively do something.

D.