An All Time Low

I am leaving a place that I have experienced for the first time and I wouldn’t say that I hate it, but it’s not a place I would call a getaway. I am sitting in the airport. I am at a standstill with my feelings. I am excited to go back to my hometown, but I am dreading going back to the house I live in.

D.

Improving Myself

There are a few things that I need to do to better myself this year. I know, I know, resolutions are planned but never really accomplished. So this is just a simple to do list. I’m turning 24 in a week and it’s time for me to grow up.

  1. I need to get better at handling my finances. I need to stop indulging in luxuries and be my frugal. This is going to be the biggest thing, because I am awful with my money.
  2. I need to make healthier choices. I don’t mean that I need to hit the gym (even though I do), because I won’t do that. I just need to watch what and how much I eat. It’s pretty easy for me to watch what I eat because I’m not a picky eater. The tough part is how much I eat >.<
  3. I need to fall in love with a hobby again. I need to find something to do with my spare time rather than sit at home and watch YouTube videos.

I need to keep reminding myself to work on being better. It won’t happen unless I actively do something.

D.

New Year, New Me

I hate it when people say that… Because I know that no one follows through with most of their resolutions. But for 2016 I know what I really want to do with myself, and I’ve been trying for a while.

I need to re-ignite the passion inside me for the things that I know I love doing.

I’m not sure if I am just plain lazy or if I’m just patiently waiting to die. I just don’t have any hobbies anymore. I don’t partake in anything. I go to work, I come home, I check my social media, then I go to bed. That literally is my every day life. Same damn thing, every damn day.

I want to take photos again. I want to write. I want to read more books. I have time for it all. I need to stop saying that I don’t.

I know who I want to be. I need to make it happen.

D.

Dummy

I often make dumb decisions. I tend to shy away from unfamiliar situations even though I know they are in the correct direction that I’m supposed to be going in. I’ve missed a lot of amazing opportunities because of my anxiety.

I hate myself for it. I hate myself for a lot of reasons. But I am working on it. I’m trying to be a better person. I’m trying to make myself into a person that I like while being as genuine as possible.

I hope I get there. I hope I smarten up. I know what’s right and what’s good for me, but why am I so afraid of reaching for it?

D.

What Happened?

I used to be someone who didn’t cry at funerals, or because I missed someone, or when I was sad in general. I basically didn’t have emotions. I want to go back to that.

I am more than ok with not being sad about anything.

These days I am an emotional wreck. I cry even when something sad happens while I’m watching the Disney Channel.

Make it stop.

D.

What Do I Do?

I’m trying so hard. I really am. I’m at a point in my life where I’m so unhappy that I can’t even fake being content. I can’t fake a smile or even say hello without sounding like I absolutely hate the person I’m talking to. But that’s not the case at all. I don’t hate anyone but myself.

I’m trying to make new friends. Any of the ones I had before have been pushed away. I can’t take any of it back. I made it clear that I don’t want anyone near me. That’s untrue as well. I need someone who can stand up to my pushing. Someone who knows I don’t mean it. I’m trying so hard to put on a facade. But I can’t fake anything. This sadness is completely taking me over.

D.