Sometimes I wonder why the heck I do anything or why I react to certain things the way I do. I always think that everything I do is stupid. Everyone reacting to me negatively is correct. If I were someone else and had to deal with me, I probably wouldn’t like me. I’ve always understood why my family abandoned me emotionally, but it still hurts.
It’s so much easier to not care, and not have emotions. But that terrifies people. I don’t know how to interact with people properly. As much as I want to, every time I try I end up failing miserably. It’s exhausting. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
I wish I didn’t trip over sweet words so easily. If I didn’t get so attached, I wouldn’t be hurt all the time. I have no idea why I never learn. It’s easy to tell me what I want to hear so you can get what you want. I should never believe another word. I should never let anyone in again.
Let’s start this post off sour; 2014 was a shitty year for me. There were some really good high lights, but in general it was horrid. I never felt good about anything or anyone.
This year that is going to change. I am going to make 2015 a good year. I am going to pick myself up whenever I fall instead of staying down. I can do it. I know I can.
But I sure can relate to how he views certain aspects of life.
“It’s all I’ve seen, all I’ve been through,” I said, “that makes it damn nearly impossible for me to say anything. I’ve lost the knack of making sense. I speak gibberish to the civilized world, and it replies in kind.”
(Howard W. Campbell Jr. from Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut)
I have run out of every thing that makes a person whole. I am out of love, out of passion, out of patience. I have no idea where to go from here. I have been trying so hard to make friends, to open myself up to people. I just wish I had a friend. Even just one. Sitting in my room day in and day out is extremely lonely and depressing. Whenever I try to enter a social circle, I am told that I am wasting my time. I should not even try. Everyone gets sick of me quick. I miss the life I used to live. The life that hurt me, but at least I had temporary highs more than the constant lows I am going through now. I can’t even remember the last time I actually enjoyed my time and didn’t feel like it was being wasted. Actually, I do; June 14, 2013. It was the last day that I could remember my heart filling up with love and joy. It is just so amazing how something like a band can make you feel a little less alone and a little more alive. I was alone that day and I sat at the back of the concert hall. But I was still so happy.
It is somewhat devastating to realize that I have not actually felt that way in over a year. I do not think that I have connected with anything in such a long time to even feel anything effective. Nothing really has made me feel properly. I just feel sadness and emptiness. I need something to make me feel like I can go outside and actually enjoy my day. I need someone who will not shrug me off and actually remember that I exist. I need to find a way to be whole again.
I have never understood how some people can walk into a situation where they are perceived as arrogant, realise that they are making others uncomfortable, then continue on doing it.
Yesterday when I went to grab a coffee, some guy sitting outside of the coffee shop said, “Hey sweetheart, do you have a lighter?” First of all, don’t call me sweetheart, you creep. I quickly told him no and went inside. I was hoping that by the time I had my coffee and went back outside he would have been gone. Nope, that was not the case. I was subjected to crude comments and cat calls as I walked away.
Is it really that hard to keep your mouth shut and leave someone alone?
I’ve been missing out a lot on life lately, so I’ve decided that I won’t be around for much longer. I don’t have anything in common with anyone in my life so I don’t really get to enjoy much. I mean, I could go to concerts or other events alone, but I just feel so embarrassed being there by myself.
I already missed a concert I’ve been waiting pretty much all summer to see because the thought of showing up alone was shameful. I’m going to miss out on one of my favourite band’s 10 year anniversary this weekend because no one I know listens to the same music that I do. I haven’t been to a concert that I actually wanted to go to in such a long time. I’ve bought tickets to some that I didn’t even show up to.
It’s all just a waste. My whole life was a waste.