How many times have you sacrificed your happiness in order to make someone else happy? I rarely have anything to be happy about, so I tend not to do this. It’s completely draining for me to give away the tiniest ounce of what is holding me together.
Recently, I decided that someone would be worth it. Making them happy was all that I wanted to do… After it was all said and done, I felt good about it for the first few days. Then things started turning around. That person no longer cares that I even exist. And I am sitting here feeling so used.
I never let people into my life. I have walls up, and I make that very obvious. I am not sure how this person managed to get through, but they did. I am so stupid.
I am completely burnt out. Defeated. Exhausted. I can’t think straight anymore. Most of my mornings consist of waking up and asking myself, “What do I have to crawl out of bed to fuck up today?”
I am too tired to be passionate about anything right now even though there are so many things that I want to do. I am capable of so much, I know that. But I’m completely drained. I haven’t had time off to relax for two years. There is too much going on and I have fallen behind. I do not feel as if I can catch up now.
It’s really weird for me to say that I have feelings for someone. I haven’t allowed myself to do that in a while. There’s been a crush here and there, but nothing ever real. This time it’s real, and it sucks.
I work for a really great company whose brand I love and personally consume. I am currently in a position that I have to do an amount of work that is meant for two or more people. I put in the extra hours to get my work done. Yes, I do complain that it’s a lot of work at times, but I wouldn’t switch my position to another one that is at the same level as mine. Even though it’s really overwhelming, and I have the fact that it’s impossible for one person to do this job alone looming over my head, I don’t feel that the company owes me anything. I see it as I owe the company to do my job as efficiently as possible under the circumstances. I asked for the position, and know that I am easily replaceable. It is retail after all. A fair amount of turnover is expected.
I feel like as much as I love the company I work for, I don’t fit in with the work ethic of the people at this level. They all feel like the company owes them everything for the minimal work they do. I’m not only talking about the people I work with directly, but just in general. I’ve noticed it in myself, but working in retail has turned me into a really bitter person. Most of the time I don’t deal with customers directly, but I still can’t stand people.
I need to take a step back and find something that I feel like isn’t draining my soul out of me.
Sometimes I wonder why the heck I do anything or why I react to certain things the way I do. I always think that everything I do is stupid. Everyone reacting to me negatively is correct. If I were someone else and had to deal with me, I probably wouldn’t like me. I’ve always understood why my family abandoned me emotionally, but it still hurts.
It’s so much easier to not care, and not have emotions. But that terrifies people. I don’t know how to interact with people properly. As much as I want to, every time I try I end up failing miserably. It’s exhausting. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
I wish I didn’t trip over sweet words so easily. If I didn’t get so attached, I wouldn’t be hurt all the time. I have no idea why I never learn. It’s easy to tell me what I want to hear so you can get what you want. I should never believe another word. I should never let anyone in again.
Let’s start this post off sour; 2014 was a shitty year for me. There were some really good highlights, but in general it was horrid. I never felt good about anything or anyone.
This year that is going to change. I am going to make 2015 a good year. I am going to pick myself up whenever I fall instead of staying down. I can do it. I know I can.