I have always been denied happiness. Every time I get close to it, someone comes by and tells me not to bother because it’s a waste of my time. I always second guess myself, knowing that I will ruin it. I have been content with staying away from everyone and everything. It’s at the point where no one even bothers to ask me to hang out anymore.
I can disappear and no one will even notice. I may already have. I always have a bag packed and ready to go. I just need to walk out the door and not look back.
Maybe I will have it one day.
I work for a really great company whose brand I love and personally consume. I am currently in a position that I have to do an amount of work that is meant for two or more people. I put in the extra hours to get my work done. Yes, I do complain that it’s a lot of work at times, but I wouldn’t switch my position to another one that is at the same level as mine. Even though it’s really overwhelming, and I have the fact that it’s impossible for one person to do this job alone looming over my head, I don’t feel that the company owes me anything. I see it as I owe the company to do my job as efficiently as possible under the circumstances. I asked for the position, and know that I am easily replaceable. It is retail after all. A fair amount of turnover is expected.
I feel like as much as I love the company I work for, I don’t fit in with the work ethic of the people at this level. They all feel like the company owes them everything for the minimal work they do. I’m not only talking about the people I work with directly, but just in general. I’ve noticed it in myself, but working in retail has turned me into a really bitter person. Most of the time I don’t deal with customers directly, but I still can’t stand people.
I need to take a step back and find something that I feel like isn’t draining my soul out of me.
Sometimes I wonder why the heck I do anything or why I react to certain things the way I do. I always think that everything I do is stupid. Everyone reacting to me negatively is correct. If I were someone else and had to deal with me, I probably wouldn’t like me. I’ve always understood why my family abandoned me emotionally, but it still hurts.
It’s so much easier to not care, and not have emotions. But that terrifies people. I don’t know how to interact with people properly. As much as I want to, every time I try I end up failing miserably. It’s exhausting. I really don’t know what to do anymore.
I wish I didn’t trip over sweet words so easily. If I didn’t get so attached, I wouldn’t be hurt all the time. I have no idea why I never learn. It’s easy to tell me what I want to hear so you can get what you want. I should never believe another word. I should never let anyone in again.
Let’s start this post off sour; 2014 was a shitty year for me. There were some really good highlights, but in general it was horrid. I never felt good about anything or anyone.
This year that is going to change. I am going to make 2015 a good year. I am going to pick myself up whenever I fall instead of staying down. I can do it. I know I can.
But I sure can relate to how he views certain aspects of life.
“It’s all I’ve seen, all I’ve been through,” I said, “that makes it damn nearly impossible for me to say anything. I’ve lost the knack of making sense. I speak gibberish to the civilized world, and it replies in kind.”
(Howard W. Campbell Jr. from Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut)
I have run out of every thing that makes a person whole. I am out of love, out of passion, out of patience. I have no idea where to go from here. I have been trying so hard to make friends, to open myself up to people. I just wish I had a friend. Even just one. Sitting in my room day in and day out is extremely lonely and depressing. Whenever I try to enter a social circle, I am told that I am wasting my time. I should not even try. Everyone gets sick of me quick. I miss the life I used to live. The life that hurt me, but at least I had temporary highs more than the constant lows I am going through now. I can’t even remember the last time I actually enjoyed my time and didn’t feel like it was being wasted. Actually, I do; June 14, 2013. It was the last day that I could remember my heart filling up with love and joy. It is just so amazing how something like a band can make you feel a little less alone and a little more alive. I was alone that day and I sat at the back of the concert hall. But I was still so happy.
It is somewhat devastating to realize that I have not actually felt that way in over a year. I do not think that I have connected with anything in such a long time to even feel anything effective. Nothing really has made me feel properly. I just feel sadness and emptiness. I need something to make me feel like I can go outside and actually enjoy my day. I need someone who will not shrug me off and actually remember that I exist. I need to find a way to be whole again.