Personal

Fork In The Road

While I was growing up, I had hardly ever been told I was loved. I was always the root of the problem. Any time my parents were angry for some reason, it had always been my fault. I faced a lot of self-esteem issues my whole life. I was always picked on by my family for being fat. And that included extended family as well. I mean, my mom publicly called me names and laughed so loudly about how fat I was to everyone else, that they all thought it was ok for them to join in. To this day, I still hate any attention that I get. I hate it when people look at me. I can hardly make eye contact with people because I don’t want to see the way that they are looking at me. I used to cry a lot as a kid. Even when someone just looked at me. I would freak out and think that I did something wrong or that they were going to make fun of me.

The anxiety and depression I grew up with still lingers. I can’t shake it, and I’m not saying that it’s supposed to be that easy. But as hard as I try, I’m not going very far. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong things, or even just having people pay attention to me in general. I can’t let people in, because it take so much out of me to break down the walls that I have up. But once they leave, those walls will be back up in no time. I have become a master at the craft of building walls.

I just hope I can get through this on my own.

D.

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Personal

Reassurance and Confirmation

Sometimes you just need to hear someone else say it. It’s a struggle to convince yourself that it’s true. After trying so hard and repeating it to yourself, but still finding it hard to believe, it’s an exhausting fight.

I just need to hear you say it. I need to know for sure.

D.

Video Games

Consoles

I’m not an avid gamer or really a gamer at all. I play video games occasionally, I watch gaming channels on YouTube, and sit through 8+ hours of streamers doing their thing on Twitch. But I’m not really a gamer. I do have a weird obsession with consoles though. I feel like I need all of them. Just in case. I currently have my eye on the Destiny: The Taken King PS4 bundle. It’s really pretty. I don’t even like PlayStation. But it’s really pretty!!

See for yourself:

PlayStation 4 500GB Destiny: The Taken King Bundle at besybuy.ca

But anyway, the only game I really play is Grand Theft Auto V. I did play through the Halo: Masterchief Collection on Easy, and I do plan on playing through the rest of the difficulties eventually, but I just don’t have time to sit down and play through games. I wish I did.

I’m really excited for Minecraft: Story Mode. I have yet to read up anything about it, but I’m still excited. Minecraft is usually what I play when I just need to get away from everything, hahaha. I hope that Story Mode is at least decent. I won’t let myself have high hopes because it is a game aimed at children after all. I initially want to play it on PC. I like Mincraft for PC much better than on the Xbox One. I don’t even use mods, but the freedom is just a lot more fun.

Speaking of PC’s, I really want a Razer Blade. I can’t justify the price tag because I would mostly just use it as an every day PC with occasional gaming. As I do with my PC now. I don’t think I’ve even opened Steam in a very long time.

I do really want to make playing video games a bigger hobby for me. I don’t really have any hobbies, I spend most of my free time sleeping. I do fun things sparingly, haha.

If you are reading this and dabble in the fantastic universe of video games, what Xbox One game(s) would you suggest I immerse myself into? Also, what gaming accessories should I invest in? I’m talking headphones, mics, keyboards, mice, etc. I’ll take any suggestions, don’t be shy!

D.

Personal

I Can’t Help But Feel Used

How many times have you sacrificed your happiness in order to make someone else happy? I rarely have anything to be happy about, so I tend not to do this. It’s completely draining for me to give away the tiniest ounce of what is holding me together.

Recently, I decided that someone would be worth it. Making them happy was all that I wanted to do… After it was all said and done, I felt good about it for the first few days. Then things started turning around. That person no longer cares that I even exist. And I am sitting here feeling so used.

I never let people into my life. I have walls up, and I make that very obvious. I am not sure how this person managed to get through, but they did. I am so stupid.

D.

Life, Personal

Burnt Out

I am completely burnt out. Defeated. Exhausted. I can’t think straight anymore. Most of my mornings consist of waking up and asking myself, “What do I have to crawl out of bed to fuck up today?”

I am too tired to be passionate about anything right now even though there are so many things that I want to do. I am capable of so much, I know that. But I’m completely drained. I haven’t had time off to relax for two years. There is too much going on and I have fallen behind. I do not feel as if I can catch up now.

D.

Personal

Entitlement?

I work for a really great company whose brand I love and personally consume. I am currently in a position that I have to do an amount of work that is meant for two or more people. I put in the extra hours to get my work done. Yes, I do complain that it’s a lot of work at times, but I wouldn’t switch my position to another one that is at the same level as mine. Even though it’s really overwhelming, and I have the fact that it’s impossible for one person to do this job alone looming over my head, I don’t feel that the company owes me anything. I see it as I owe the company to do my job as efficiently as possible under the circumstances. I asked for the position, and know that I am easily replaceable. It is retail after all. A fair amount of turnover is expected.

I feel like as much as I love the company I work for, I don’t fit in with the work ethic of the people at this level. They all feel like the company owes them everything for the minimal work they do. I’m not only talking about the people I work with directly, but just in general. I’ve noticed it in myself, but working in retail has turned me into a really bitter person. Most of the time I don’t deal with customers directly, but I still can’t stand people.

I need to take a step back and find something that I feel like isn’t draining my soul out of me.

D.

Personal

Explaining Me to Myself

Sometimes I wonder why the heck I do anything or why I react to certain things the way I do. I always think that everything I do is stupid. Everyone reacting to me negatively is correct. If I were someone else and had to deal with me, I probably wouldn’t like me. I’ve always understood why my family abandoned me emotionally, but it still hurts.

It’s so much easier to not care, and not have emotions. But that terrifies people. I don’t know how to interact with people properly. As much as I want to, every time I try I end up failing miserably. It’s exhausting. I really don’t know what to do anymore.

D.