I used to be someone who didn’t cry at funerals, or because I missed someone, or when I was sad in general. I basically didn’t have emotions. I want to go back to that.
I am more than ok with not being sad about anything.
These days I am an emotional wreck. I cry even when something sad happens while I’m watching the Disney Channel.
Make it stop.
I’m trying so hard. I really am. I’m at a point in my life where I’m so unhappy that I can’t even fake being content. I can’t fake a smile or even say hello without sounding like I absolutely hate the person I’m talking to. But that’s not the case at all. I don’t hate anyone but myself.
I’m trying to make new friends. Any of the ones I had before have been pushed away. I can’t take any of it back. I made it clear that I don’t want anyone near me. That’s untrue as well. I need someone who can stand up to my pushing. Someone who knows I don’t mean it. I’m trying so hard to put on a facade. But I can’t fake anything. This sadness is completely taking me over.
I haven’t genuinely prayed to God since I was in high school. I always thought that I could fend for myself. Lately I’ve been so disconnected with everyone, and I feel like He is trying to teach me something. These obstacles I’m currently facing are tough, and I am no where near overcoming them, but I have to keep working at it. I can’t give up on any of this, because it means giving up on myself. If I don’t believe in myself, it would be hard to convince others to do so. I just hope that I can make some sort of dent soon. I just want to be pointed in the right direction.
My whole life is just a massive cliche. I have to keep telling myself that in order to feel less lonely. I know that somewhere out in the world someone really is going through the same thing as me, and they know how I feel. I wonder how they are dealing with it. I’m not doing so well. I wish that I could let them know that I’m rooting for them. I hope they come out on top because they deserve to be happy. I’m struggling. I’ve never had the honour of coming in first place in anything.
I just want to win something. Just once. I want to know what it feels like to do everything right and have it all pay off. I want to be satisfied with myself. I guess I just want confirmation that I’m doing alright. It feels like no matter how far I reach, I can’t get a grasp onto anything stable.
I have been struggling for so long and have kept myself together, but lately I have been falling apart. And it shows. I am on the edge and have to decide where to go from here.
While I was growing up, I had hardly ever been told I was loved. I was always the root of the problem. Any time my parents were angry for some reason, it had always been my fault. I faced a lot of self-esteem issues my whole life. I was always picked on by my family for being fat. And that included extended family as well. I mean, my mom publicly called me names and laughed so loudly about how fat I was to everyone else, that they all thought it was ok for them to join in. To this day, I still hate any attention that I get. I hate it when people look at me. I can hardly make eye contact with people because I don’t want to see the way that they are looking at me. I used to cry a lot as a kid. Even when someone just looked at me. I would freak out and think that I did something wrong or that they were going to make fun of me.
The anxiety and depression I grew up with still lingers. I can’t shake it, and I’m not saying that it’s supposed to be that easy. But as hard as I try, I’m not going very far. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong things, or even just having people pay attention to me in general. I can’t let people in, because it take so much out of me to break down the walls that I have up. But once they leave, those walls will be back up in no time. I have become a master at the craft of building walls.
I just hope I can get through this on my own.
Sometimes you just need to hear someone else say it. It’s a struggle to convince yourself that it’s true. After trying so hard and repeating it to yourself, but still finding it hard to believe, it’s an exhausting fight.
I just need to hear you say it. I need to know for sure.