Some would say that I grew up faster than other kids my age. I was put into advanced classes, and pressured to be perfect. That all changed when I was 11 years of age. Something inside of me changed, but I didn’t think it would still affect me as I got older. It still affects me until this very day. This very moment, while I’m writing this entry, and I’m dealing with it the best I can.
When I got into high school, I had carried over the same best friends I had in elementary school. I wanted to keep them as close as possible, and would do anything to keep us from drifting apart. Nothing worked though, we did end up drifting apart. I’ve never looked back though, and I don’t think they have either. Well, I did look back in regards to one person, and we’re still friends to this day. I hope we’re still friends a long time from now as well. Back to what I was saying, when we drifted apart, it seemed so right. I was never one to be with the “in-crowd” and that’s exactly who they wanted to be. When I was in high school, I don’t think I ever hung out with more than one group of friends for a period of time. I did end up re-connecting with my best friend from our earlier years of elementary school, and now we’re closer than ever. Aside from her, I really don’t have many options for friends.
In grade 11, I started to become a loner. I didn’t do it on purpose, my thought process was just different from everyone else’s. I saw things differently, and no one understood that except for my teachers. They saw it in the way I wrote my papers. The only annoying part about that was being told to stay after class and being asked if I was okay all the time. Well, that year I was in a class that ran all day for a whole year. There was so much unnecessary drama, that triggered something inside of me. I wanted out. I wanted to avoid social interaction for the rest of my life. That’s a really weird thing for me to say, because I love people. I love making people laugh, hearing awesome life stories, and I love just being able to have things in common with people. But for some reason, I still avoid social interactions and I’m really awkward.
In grade 12, I isolated myself from everyone and everything. I stopped going to school, and I quit my job. The worst day of my life so far happened on Friday, April 13, 2010. Yes, Friday The 13th. Lucky me. Everything went downhill on that day, and I’m still trying to fix everything. It’s way harder than I thought it would be. Initially I thought, ‘It all went downhill so easily, the uphill struggle will be tough but worth it and over before I know it.’ I’m still working on that uphill struggle, and I really don’t see the top of the hill anywhere in sight. That doesn’t mean I should quit. I’ve got to get more motivated. It seems as though more people are trying to bring me down, rather than help me. So I guess I should do it for me. But is it really worth it? Am I really worth it? Being alone gets old fast. I still wonder if it was worth it.. Pushing away all of the people in my life, I mean. Could they have helped me in some way? I guess I’ll never know.
Some things can change though.