Personal

Dummy

I often make dumb decisions. I tend to shy away from unfamiliar situations even though I know they are in the correct direction that I’m supposed to be going in. I’ve missed a lot of amazing opportunities because of my anxiety.

I hate myself for it. I hate myself for a lot of reasons. But I am working on it. I’m trying to be a better person. I’m trying to make myself into a person that I like while being as genuine as possible.

I hope I get there. I hope I smarten up. I know what’s right and what’s good for me, but why am I so afraid of reaching for it?

D.

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Personal, Uncategorized

What Happened?

I used to be someone who didn’t cry at funerals, or because I missed someone, or when I was sad in general. I basically didn’t have emotions. I want to go back to that.

I am more than ok with not being sad about anything.

These days I am an emotional wreck. I cry even when something sad happens while I’m watching the Disney Channel.

Make it stop.

D.

Personal

Basic

My whole life is just a massive cliche. I have to keep telling myself that in order to feel less lonely. I know that somewhere out in the world someone really is going through the same thing as me, and they know how I feel. I wonder how they are dealing with it. I’m not doing so well. I wish that I could let them know that I’m rooting for them. I hope they come out on top because they deserve to be happy. I’m struggling. I’ve never had the honour of coming in first place in anything.

I just want to win something. Just once. I want to know what it feels like to do everything right and have it all pay off. I want to be satisfied with myself. I guess I just want confirmation that I’m doing alright. It feels like no matter how far I reach, I can’t get a grasp onto anything stable.

I have been struggling for so long and have kept myself together, but lately I have been falling apart. And it shows. I am on the edge and have to decide where to go from here.

D.

Personal

Fork In The Road

While I was growing up, I had hardly ever been told I was loved. I was always the root of the problem. Any time my parents were angry for some reason, it had always been my fault. I faced a lot of self-esteem issues my whole life. I was always picked on by my family for being fat. And that included extended family as well. I mean, my mom publicly called me names and laughed so loudly about how fat I was to everyone else, that they all thought it was ok for them to join in. To this day, I still hate any attention that I get. I hate it when people look at me. I can hardly make eye contact with people because I don’t want to see the way that they are looking at me. I used to cry a lot as a kid. Even when someone just looked at me. I would freak out and think that I did something wrong or that they were going to make fun of me.

The anxiety and depression I grew up with still lingers. I can’t shake it, and I’m not saying that it’s supposed to be that easy. But as hard as I try, I’m not going very far. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong things, or even just having people pay attention to me in general. I can’t let people in, because it take so much out of me to break down the walls that I have up. But once they leave, those walls will be back up in no time. I have become a master at the craft of building walls.

I just hope I can get through this on my own.

D.

Personal

I Can’t Help But Feel Used

How many times have you sacrificed your happiness in order to make someone else happy? I rarely have anything to be happy about, so I tend not to do this. It’s completely draining for me to give away the tiniest ounce of what is holding me together.

Recently, I decided that someone would be worth it. Making them happy was all that I wanted to do… After it was all said and done, I felt good about it for the first few days. Then things started turning around. That person no longer cares that I even exist. And I am sitting here feeling so used.

I never let people into my life. I have walls up, and I make that very obvious. I am not sure how this person managed to get through, but they did. I am so stupid.

D.

Personal

Two Thousand Fourteen

Let’s start this post off sour; 2014 was a shitty year for me. There were some really good highlights, but in general it was horrid. I never felt good about anything or anyone.

This year that is going to change. I am going to make 2015 a good year. I am going to pick myself up whenever I fall instead of staying down. I can do it. I know I can.

D.

Personal

I’m So Empty.

I have run out of every thing that makes a person whole. I am out of love, out of passion, out of patience. I have no idea where to go from here. I have been trying so hard to make friends, to open myself up to people. I just wish I had a friend. Even just one. Sitting in my room day in and day out is extremely lonely and depressing. Whenever I try to enter a social circle, I am told that I am wasting my time. I should not even try. Everyone gets sick of me quick. I miss the life I used to live. The life that hurt me, but at least I had temporary highs more than the constant lows I am going through now. I can’t even remember the last time I actually enjoyed my time and didn’t feel like it was being wasted. Actually, I do; June 14, 2013. It was the last day that I could remember my heart filling up with love and joy. It is just so amazing how something like a band can make you feel a little less alone and a little more alive. I was alone that day and I sat at the back of the concert hall. But I was still so happy.

It is somewhat devastating to realize that I have not actually felt that way in over a year. I do not think that I have connected with anything in such a long time to even feel anything effective. Nothing really has made me feel properly. I just feel sadness and emptiness. I need something to make me feel like I can go outside and actually enjoy my day. I need someone who will not shrug me off and actually remember that I exist. I need to find a way to be whole again.

Personal

Try Hard

I am trying so hard. With everything. It never gets me anywhere. I really do not know how I can keep doing this. There really is no point. I have made myself invisible. I left school early and although I have finished, I still haven’t graduated. I cut all the ties with the people I once loved, people who were my best friends are strangers to me now. All I do is sit at home. I leave my house just to go to work or to shop. I do not even know why I shop so much. Money only buys temporary happiness.

I am alone. It is always going to be that way. I never know why I try to change that. I do not deserve to be happy. I deserve to be alone with my thoughts that consume all of the happiness I can muster up. My life is a mess, there is no fixing it now.

D.